Heartfelt…

We lose people in our lives for many reasons. Some pass on, some move away, some move on, sometimes we move on. Sometimes life changes and in turn, our relationships change. But for whatever reason it is, I, and I am sure I am not alone here, have a difficult time with this. Life changes when the people we love, and are used to spending our lives with, change. Who we are is affected by, and changed by, those we spend our lives with. Adjusting to a change is so very difficult and some times takes a while.

I dream a lot. And I remember my dreams, at least for the first few hours after I wake. And many times, after life changes, I dream about life before…or possible life after. It seems so real. So raw. I usually wake up disoriented for a bit. Now, I have come to try to make sense out of the dreams. What am I trying to tell my self? What is my brain saying?

Last night, I had a dream about my grandmother. She was a special lady in my life until I was about 18 or 19. As I got older, I started to see that she wasn’t perfect. I mean, who is? But as children, we hold our special people up on pedestals. For a long time, I was mad at her for being the imperfect person she was. But, as I have experienced more life, I have realized that she did the best she could. Like we all do. Usually, when I dream about her, she is talking to me about random things, that never seem to make sense, but then when I wake…it clicks. She told me last night to not worry about a stupid problem I was focusing on in my dream. She told me to stay strong. She called me hon as she always did and told me she loved me. But she was being tough. Telling me to remember who I was. Why I was here…why I am still fighting. I saw her in a new way. She was telling me to remember the things that were good, take those things with me, but don’t dwell on what might have gone wrong. Learn from them. Feel the hurt, feel the rejection and grow from it. Don’t just move on, but move forward.

I woke up rationalizing the dream. Seeing her, talking to her. Feeling like I had just seen her. Missing her again. As I thought about it I realized why I saw her in my dreams. She told me the same thing I have been telling myself for the last, well, few years really, but it was received differently coming from her. I had to hear it that way. A person who was flawed, who made many mistakes in her life, was telling me its ok. It’s ok to make mistakes. It’s ok to love too much. To hold on. To remember the things that made us love the things we love. But it is also ok to move forward. It is ok to remember why our lives are different now. It is ok to mourn the change, but take away those things that mattered from life before. People urge you to move on, to try to forget the pain, to not think too much about it. Maybe they are right. And maybe that works for some people. But for me, it isn’t enough. I need to feel. I need to make sense of it. I need to take lessons away from what the universe, or God, or I, am telling myself from the experience. For some reason, I needed to hear, in that way, that it is ok.

She told me to trust myself. And for some reason, that doesn’t make too much sense, it helped to hear it from her. Someone who meant something to me, but is gone. My life changed because of her. My life changed because of many. Every person who has been in my life has meant something. Every experience has meant something. And it is ok to mourn when things change. And it is ok to take things personally, it is ok to be emotional, it is ok to cry, to be mad, to swear, to be dramatic, to be angry, to be a little depressed. But, we have to eventually rationalize, internalize, learn, let go and move forward.

I will always love people, like my grandmother, who had an impact on my life. I will always miss the relationship we had. Who those people were in my life. But instead of focusing on the hurt, I would rather focus on the impact and how they have changed my life even after they are gone. Life happens. People come and go. But, their imprint stays with us. Maybe that is what life is about. We impact each other, we change each other’s lives in ways we couldn’t do on our own. And for that, I am grateful.

To every person who reads this…you have impacted my life and I am grateful. More than you know. You have changed me. Make me who I am today, and will help make me who I am tomorrow. I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t be who I am without experiences each one of you have given me. Maybe our experiences have made me happy, make me sad, made me cry, made me feel intense emotions, but I wouldn’t have felt them without you. And feeling those emotions made me grow. Made me become who I am. Thank you. And I can only hope I impacted you in some way.

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