Have you ever thought about who you are? And who you want to be? Like really thought about it? Maybe most people don’t. I have been known to over think from time to time. We are inundated with images of what we should be every day from birth through adult hood. We are all given recommendations on our life. Some of us are better at listening to the voices that really matter, and others of us struggle with deciphering the messages.
For so much of my life I was trying to be the person I thought people wanted me to be. To be the perfect version of the person they envisioned. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But really, I was rarely truly comfortable in my own skin. I became afraid of failing and of not being perfect, even though I still have no idea what perfection looks like or why it is so important.
I always wanted to be the perfect person for everyone else. But I didn’t really know what the perfect person was for me. And the truth is that people are so busy living their own lives, most of the time, they don’t even think about what kind of person I am. Which, was a scary realization. Because if I people don’t care about me, then who would?
In honesty, for a long time, it never occurred to me that I had to figure out who I wanted to be for myself. That I had to own who I am,the things I am proud of, but also my flaws and imperfections. And I needed to figure out who I want to be for me, to be able to love myself. I never treated myself with the same compassion and honesty that I treated others with.
It has taken me quite a bit of time to be able to understand this and to be able to actually identify it. I have been able to realize that I can’t live my life for other people. I can’t do things to make others happy without doing anything for myself. But it is strange to me, how some people are just comfortable with who they are, completely know themselves and make no apologizes, and then others who have to work at it. Some people care so much about what others think and then other people don’t care at all, or at least very little. Certainly there is a lot of grey in there as well, but you get my point.
Is it just innate, they are born with the security of who they are? Do they grow up in a situation where they are given so much praise, and so many examples of people having confidence, that they just see that is a totally acceptable way to be? Did they have to work to figure out who they are? Perhaps a combination of those things? Do they care just as much about what others
think but they just don’t show it? Why don’t people talk about that very much? Am I the only one?
It continues to be a daily realization for me. I figure out more things about myself, how I far I have come, how far I still need to go. I see examples of who I don’t want to be or things I don’t want to accept in myself. I read…A LOT…of self help and self realization books and blogs. I do yoga, I run, I pray, I meditate, I talk to people, I play with my kids and allow myself to get lost in play from time to time. I spend time on myself and with myself. I used to think it was selfish, but I am realizing that it is
necessary for me, at least right now. But as I think about this, I also think…there have to be more people who identify with this.
So, here is where I get to my point. There have to be more people out there who are working on who they are continuously, who think about it. Who are interested in how they improve themselves in many ways. Who want to explore things in themselves they were always too embarrassed or afraid to. Think of who we could all be if we didn’t care what others thought and if we did all the things we were afraid of failing at. So I guess I want to know what you guys do…to get in touch with you. To nurture yourselves, to grow. Do you think about it often? Or not very much? How do you grow thicker skin without
losing your compassion? Can you? Do you even want to? Talk to me about it. I think the discussion is helpful. For me…and for others. Anyone care to join in the conversation I am having with myself?? 🙂